It's time for us to show our appreciation to the subscribers who generously support this Substack with their hard-earned money. October is my birthday month, and on October 4th at 12ET/9PT, I'll be hosting an Ask Me Anything (AMA) exclusively for paid subscribers. You can ask me anything that comes to mind - You can ask me anything at all. It can be about writing, marketing, shopping, cooking, music, technology, reading, television, humor, sex, drugs, candy, sports, anything at all. I’m not saying I know about all things but, If I don't know the answer, we can work together to figure it out. It's going to be a blast! Paid subscribers will receive the link before the event begins.
A Creative Non-Fiction Break
By Liz Dubelman and Unknown Con Artist
Notes on a Ransom Note
I recently received a ransom note. It was so ridiculous I felt it could use some editing. My notes are italicized:
Liz Dubelman,
I know that calling (redacted phone number) or visiting (redacted address) )would be a effective way to have a word with you in case you don't act. Don't even try to escape from this. You've no idea what I'm capable of in (redacted city).
Why bold this part?It makes me feel less special like you send the rest of this to everyone you do this to.
I suggest you read this message carefully. Take a minute to relax, breathe, and really dig into it.
What a zen felon.
We're talking about something serious here, and I don't play games. You do not know me whereas I know EVERYTHING about you and you must be wondering how, correct?
Even I don’t know EVERYTHING about me. For example, I’m waiting on my allergy test results.
Well, you've been treading on thin ice with your browsing habits, clicking through those girlie videos and venturing into the darker comers of cyberspace.
I don’t know what you mean by girlie videos? I do watch a lot of nail art videos and menopause videos.
I installed a Malware on a porn website and you visited it to watch (you know what I mean).
I really don’t.
While you were watching videos, your system started out working as a RDP (Remote Control) which provided me with total control over your device. I can look at everything on your screen, flick on your cam and mic, and you wouldn't even suspect a thing. Oh, and I have got access to all your emails, contacts, and social media accounts too. Been keeping tabs on your pathetic existence for a while now.
Wow! What happened to relax and breathe into it?
It's simply your misfortune that I discovered your misadventures.
I could think of worse misfortunes.
I invested in more time than I probably should have looking into your life.
You might be more interested in someone that’s not a 61 year old woman.
Extracted quite a bit of juicy info from your system. and I've seen it all. Yeah, Yeah,
Why 2 Yeahs?
I've got footage of you doing embarrassing things in your house (nice setup, by the way).
Again 61 year old woman here. Nothing to see.
I then developed videos and screenshots where on one side of the screen, there's whatever garbage you had been playing, and on the other part, it is your vacant face.
I don’t understand this.
With just a click, I can send this video to all of your contacts.
Look out.
I see you are getting anxious —
Not anxious. I just think it’s funny.
— but let's get real. As a family man, I want to wipe the slate clean, and let you move on with your life and forget you ever existed.
As a family man/blackmailer — an odd hyphenate — you’ve chosen a weird way to make a living.
I am about to provide you two options.
I, of course, choose a third option.
Alternative one is to turn a blind eye to this email message. You should know what is going to happen if you select this path. Your video will get sent to your contacts. The video was lit, and I can't even fathom the humiliation you'll endure when your colleagues, friends, and fam check it out. But hey, that's life, ain't it? Don't be playing the victim here.
This is great material.
Second wise, —
odd phrasing
— option is to pay me, and be confidential about it.
I’ve been missing General Hospital because of that stupid Direct TV- ABC dispute, so this is a good soap substitute.
We'll call this my "privacy fee".
Very literary.
Now let's discuss what happens when you pick this choice. Your filthy secret will remain private.
Sometimes I smoke a joint before lunch? But that’s legal in California whereas extortion is not.
I will wipe everything clean once you send payment.
How long will it be before I hear from you about this again?
You need to make the payment by Bitcoins only. Pay attention, I'm telling you straight: 'We gotta make a deal'. I want you to know I'm corning at you with good intentions.
This email gives new meaning to ‘good intentions.”
I stand by my promises.
Transfer Amount: $1950
Weird number. Behind on your rent?
BTC ADDRESS: [Redacted]
Once you pay up, you'll sleep like a baby. I keep my word.
But I don’t sleep like a baby now.
Note: You got one day to sort this out and I will only accept Bitcoins (I have a unique pixel in this mail, and right now I know that you've read this e-mail).
There’s nothing I can really do in just a day.
My system will catch that Bitcoin payment and wipe out all the dirt I got on you. Don't even think about replying to this or negotiating, it's pointless.
You didn’t say I couldn't write about you.
The email and wallet are custom-made for you, untraceable. If I catch that you've shared or discussed this email with someone else, your shitty video will instantly start getting sent to your contacts.
Or this evisceration of your moronic letter will go viral.
And don't even think about turning off your phone or resetting it to factory settings.
Why would I do that?
It's pointless. I don't make mistakes, Liz.
You might want to hire a copy editor for this.
Honestly, those online tips about covering your camera aren't as useless as they seem.
Good cop? Bad cop? I can’t tell.
I am waiting for my payment.
As my Verizon customer service rep said to me today. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”
"You can ask me anything at all... sex, drugs, candy, sports" Well maybe about candy or sports. I'm from the Midwest : )
Funny!